Someone asked me a question recently regarding tipping the caregivers at the facility where their mother is living. To tip or not to tip, that was the question.
- Quick answer
- Explanation
- Loaded gunshot victims
- Common acceptable gestures
- My favorite gesture
- Summary
Quick answer
The quick answer is, no. There’s no “should” about it. It’s not expected and in most instances the caregiver should refuse an individual tip or gift while you’re caring for their loved one. (There are gestures that I’ve seen allowed, though. Read on for those.)
Explanation
As a healthcare worker, it’s frowned upon to receive tips/gifts from families of those in your care. From what I can tell, it’s a facility issue/state issue. Put simply, in the facility’s eyes (or in the state’s eyes) tipping and individual gifts lead to preferential treatment. Another way of looking at it is that it leads to other patients receiving worse treatment for not tipping.
Loaded gunshot victims
I have actually been offered cash tips by patients in the past. When I was working on a post surgical trauma unit I had more than one gunshot victim offer me cash for things as simple as bringing them a styrofoam cup of water. One in particular tried handing me a roll of bills of a denomination I couldn’t see. I acknowledged the gesture, thanked the patient for the thought, and told them to keep their money. They are going to need it when the bill comes!
(To be clear: I never accepted these tips.)
Common acceptable gestures
There are, however, other gestures of gratitude you can make that don’t seem to cross lines. What is very common and greatly appreciated are when treats are brought in for the entire staff, not just something for the individual caregiver. It’s a way to say “thank you” without any danger of it appearing like a quid pro quo.
Bagels, chocolates, and donuts are the most common. I think healthier snacks are more appreciated, though often more difficult to share. (Folks who are a little more germ-conscious won’t reach into a bag of apples to enjoy one if they’re not sure who else already had their mitts on it.) If you want to bring healthier snacks for the team, consider muffins, granola bars, or bananas. Things that are individually wrapped are a plus.
To be clear, these gestures are never expected and you will never be looked at negatively for not doing something like this.
My favorite gesture
Actually, I think my favorite gesture of gratitude was receiving cards and letters with updates of patients for whom we cared. I’m talking about people who’ve already left the unit. Regardless of if the news was a positive outcome or an outcome less welcome, it was nice to have people reach out with a continuation of the patient’s story after our work was done.
I’ll never forget one patient who I had for weeks in the ICU. His Power of Attorney (POA) was adamant we continue curative measures despite multiple medical team members (myself included) telling them that chances of him being his old self again were utterly next to nothing. I doubted he’d ever be able to breathe and eat on his own again, let alone walk.
Eventually he was discharged from our unit to a long-term care facility. He was still on the ventilator which had now been transitioned to a tracheostomy tube. That’s a tube that passes through your neck and into your trachea. He also had a feeding tube passing through his abdomen and delivering nutrition directly into his stomach.
(If those things sound terrible to you, please read the post about Advanced Directives and take action to make your wishes known now. It’s one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family.)
Months later, possibly even a year later, he and his POA physically came back to our unit to thank us. At that point he was in a wheelchair but he was breathing on his own, able to communicate, and able to eat on his own!
I’ve seen plenty of people sent off to long term care in a similar state of being. It’s rare that someone in that state comes back to the extent he did. But it gets better.
Months after that visit, they came back again and this time he was walking! He was using a walker and was still a little shaky, but there he was thanking us. Again, it’s very rare when that happens but it was beautiful to see. It is one of a many stories of families and patients following up that stick with me and keep me going.
Summary
So to sum up: individual gifts for those caring for your loved one can be interpreted as quid pro quo which is frowned upon. Bringing in snacks for the entire team is welcome. Coming back to visit, or letters of thanks sent after moving on from care are treasured.
Thank you for reading! What questions do you have? Do you have any suggestions or testimonials? Did this bring up any stories you want to share? Did I miss anything? Please reach out to me through the contact page, I’d love to hear from you!
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